10 December: Day Off travelling to Newcastle
Days off for a touring band has all kinds of politics and problems, like where do you fart, where do you park etc..Not wanting to deal with any of that, I grabbed my banjo and guitar went to the nearest pawnshop, who gave me £120 which I spent on a hooker and a bag of smack.
No really, we went to Pizza Hut/Express or whatever the fucking chain is called had one glass of red wine each, then slept for 12 hours in a Travel Lodge - now THAT IS Rock’n'Roll kids!
Alex, our merch girl went out to buy some fags and a lottery ticket and got refused cos she didn’t have ID! Not bad for a 26 year old!
11 December: Newcastle
I have never played here before, but what fun - what a bunch of fucking nutters!! It must be the Norwegian influence I reckon!! I announced from stage that we’re playing Hartlepool in late January (FRi 30th) only to receive loads of booing - later at the bar though I must have met at least 50 people from Hartlepool who said they would come to our show at the Studio, hope you don’t bullshit a bullshitter, whay ay man! 
The real fun was in the upstairs bar after the show (finally an aftershow for the recordbuying, ticketbuying public, rather than an aftershow for some fucking local paper student journalist cunt and some wannabe A&R douchebag!) having a good ol’ dance to the Pistols, Ramones and assorted New Wave Records!
HERE’S TO AFTERSHOWS FEATURING - THE PUBLIC!
I forgot to drink Newkie Brown whilst there, must return soon then!12 December - Sheffield
So, I’m lying there on the Fire-Tusk bus stroking the house/bus cat, Smokey (R.I.P.) while watching Spinal Tap and all of a sudden I hear our pilot Mr Tusk say “We have stopped”. Being a man with two fully functioning eyes, I look out the window to realize this is true - the big black double donger that we travel in has stopped in the middle of a roundabout! Shit! As I have no mechanical experience whatsoever, I do the right thing - keep my fucking mouth shut!
It does not take long for the “Highway Patrol” to turn up (thank god this is a drug free tour!) who are rather helpful, although boring the shit out of us with their brags that one of their cousins five times removed once shook hands with Marc Bolan! We then call Mr Howard and he brings the Belsen Bus back from Sheffield and manages to fit the whole band and gear in there and we even make soundcheck!!
Just before showtime we meet the Fire-Tusk’s good friend Jimi, who tells us off for “watching fucking Spinal Tap on a tourbus!!!” Erm, yes Jimi - we did not know this was bad karma…and we also watched “Bad News“….it’s like saying “Hamlet” in the theatre apparently…FUCK! Jimi does not approve of this behavour, but still gives me his last pack of smokes then gets on the blower to get the FT bus to the garage!
Showtime: Well some cunt from the council has decided that the Good People of Sheffield have to come out early to play on this rainy Friday nite, so doors are 6pm. After dj Scratchy’s set of Globalistic Rockin’ Rhythms we hit the stage with the sound of Lucifire’s gong to an audience of about 14 men, 11 women and 3 dogs. Song 2, “No Bail Blues” it had doubled, and by the time I was blowing my harmonica with my asshole on “Killer Sound” it had doubled that again and by the end of our set it was a full house of cheering people!
Good people you Sheffieldians are, one word of advice though - SACK THAT COUNCIL CUNT!
On the Pogues front, it was a bit of a balcony/pit/backstage/bar job - so no real reports.
13 December - The Urban Voodoo Machine refuse to go to Manchester
We have played Manchester twice - once in a bad disco, once in a festival full of chavs. So now we say no thank you, lifes too short and there are many other beautiful places with beautiful people that we can play!
Ok, the real story is that tonite Pogue Mahone are playing in an arena and “need a name band” to put bums on seats, so the job goes to the Stranglers - fine by us!
I moved to London because of the Clash, the Stones, the Pistols, the Kinks and many other greats. 1992 was the year I set foot in this country and it was dominated by the so called “Madchester” scene, too many morons on too many happy drugs in baggy trousers who could not write songs or play instruments and tended to gaze at their shoes. Fuck that , I grew up on AC/DC! The Pogues are the best band to come out of London since the Clash. The Urban Voodoo Machine are the best band to come out of London since The Pogues. If you disagree with that you are a cunt.14 December - Sleep next to Lady Ane and our snakes!
It’s so good being home! At the same time I’m glad this tour is going on over two and a half weeks! Not a bad fucking life!
I belive Mr Spider Stacy is 50 today. Spider is cool. Spider is the Keef of the Pogues in my eyes, if that makes any sense. If it don’t make any sense you are obviously a cunt and I only have the following words to say to you: Satan Your Kingdom Must Come Down!15 December - Birmingham
Of course this is gonna be a real special one for Jary as it’s his neck of the woods.
He has already recited my lyrics to me with a warning his family would be there!
So I fucked your sister (NO, I DIDN’T AND I WOULDNT)
Tried it on with your mother (GIMMIE A BREAK BROTHER)
Kicked the shit out of your brother ( COULDN’T TOUCH THAT CRIPPLE!)
But darling I always loved you….
I’ve loved Jary a long time though for the record, hell we’ve been rockin together since 1997! I’m sure there are people out there who have picked up a guitar/drums formed a band, stopped that, become an estate agent and then died in that time!
Strange venue the Birmingham Academy, maybe something to do with the Carling??? No, it’s the fact 2/3rds of the people can’t see the show!
FOR THE RECORD, THE URBAN VOODOO MACHINE HATE CARLING LAGER! (unless we are desperately thirsty!)
Nevermind all that, I really enjoyed the show tonite, the punters were wild - as Slim pointed out - I was duckwalking on the crashbarriers. And as I’m pointing out it was good rockin with Slim again!
I’m praying that Nick’s dad who has gone into hospital will get well soon - My Voodoo prayers came through, you don’t spawn one of the best Rock’n'Roll guitarists ever and die that easy….
